More ITE's and flying high

cant talk. too sleepy. blog tomorrow.

I don't want to walk away

And I'm not going to.

And I don't like to delve into the personal details of my life, although it may get me more hits if I do that. People LOVE to listen to drama. I just think it feeds into a negative cyclical pattern of behavior.

i.e., GOSSIP = BAD

Theatre....was intense today. Difficult, but intense. We added in a Shakespearian sonnet. Each person took a different line and memorized it, and then conveyed it in the same grid formation that I described before, through gesture and touch and emotion. I had many problems with self awareness. I kept on getting stuck in the words and the "correct" interpretation. I always want to be correct, apparently. I'm afraid of being wrong. Ever.

Why the HELL does every single theater class I have turn into a therapy session? Goddamn. I actually find it kind of funny. It's also extremely uncomfortable.

I also have many predispositions of people when walking into the class. "Is it okay to approach this person? What will they think of me? OH GOD." I really need to get over it and let go. REALLY. It's going to hinder my artistic development on so many levels.

I hope that at the end of this class, I can gladly say that I am beyond that. That IS what the class is about.

And ballet? Don't even get me started.

In terms of everything else? Friends? Great. Love life? I've got killer butterflies. I'm nervewracked too, not sure where to go. I don't even remember. Also, first time I've considered getting into a relationship with a girl, so....I'm a little baffled and confused, but it already feels better than my most recent relationships/dating/whateverthehellitis with boys. I am kinda sad about moving away, now that things are coming into development, but I think that this is a sign. This is going to influence and change me somehow and I will learn something.

And it just feels REAAAAAAL good.

Here's a sample from my portfolio. I need to draw again. The inspiration is coming back.

Rien mais un beau reve...

Frustration

Comes in the form of fatigue and headache.

Usually is based on emotional turbulance.

I'd almost rather walk away. Escapism is seemingly my latest form of defense.

I would be artsy, but today I've got nothing.

I'm sitting, eating a delicious cheese quesadilla and a diet pop. Nom.

Flash forward: took a nap. Now waiting for the Vagina Monologues to start so I can eventually do my monologue and get done with this for today. I still have nothing interesting.

I just remember my old art teacher saying "when it rains, it pours, and when it's dry, it's like the Sahara." Perhaps this is the same for me? I just want sleep.

So, here are a few funny pictures for your viewing pleasure.

STOMACH FLUUU

sick jen is a grumper

ugh. i dont have the tolerance level to write much right now. my stomach just never stops hurting does it? I can't wait to feel normal again.

at least i have some gatorade. and some gingerale. and my sanity (?).

Happy Easter!

Although I'm not really Christian, it's sort of a springy type holiday. Which is nice.

I got so many peeps this year, it's freakin' ridiculous.

So,

I believe I'll be making peep sushi.

Meow.

.....ehehhehhheheehehe

Love....

....is made of Hello Kitty couture.

Intense Theatrical Experiences

ITE.

I pretty much rediscovered myself today. Such an intense experience in my voice and movement class. We were working on emotion and energy sharing with the class while walking on a grid.

The Rules:

1) No eye contact

2) No hugging

3) No talking

4) Choose someone to love and someone else to hate

5) Do what feels right

....

The amount of emotion coursing through my veins was incredible. I was so wrapped up in the individual stories that developed during the exercise. Music was playing and everyone was interacting differently through touch. Now, I have an insane personal bubble. I a

m not at all comfortable with that sort of thing. I don't trust people. This is commonly known fact. But all bounds were broken. I became jealous when those I loved did not return my affection. I tried to eliminate those I hated from sight. I felt those around me. I could sense people behind me.

In the first round, I found myself very lovey-dovey and warm. I wanted people to come near me and I wanted to go near people. Sure, I got jealous, but at the same token I was very open to others. I remember at one point someone pulling me close from behind and holding me. It was uncomfortable, yet perfect. I felt both pain and joy, a sense of unrequited love. After the class was over, he approached me and said that he had felt "as if we had been in a relationship before, and it had not worked out. I had approached you to apologize because we were not meant to be."

Freaky, right?

The second round was much more emotionally intense for me. I felt rejected. Alone. Nobody would connect with me, especially the one I 'loved.' I would occasionally walk past them and intertwine my fingers in theirs, hoping they would respond. The never did. So I did what seemed most logical when I wanted to cry: I stood in the corner. Waited for someone to come and help me, see if anyone would respond at all.

Lo and behold, someone came up behind me. Laced their fingers in mine. pulled me close. Held me tight. I literally leaned against them, put my weight on them. I could feel my heart racing and my stomach fluttering. Breathing in my ear, holding my weight, wrapping their arms around my waist.

Suddenly, I felt afraid. I felt nervous of judgement. Fearful of hurt or pain. I didn't trust the situation. So what did I do? I pulled away. I let go of their hand last. I couldn't stand to stay. But at the same token, it was such a beautiful moment and it hurt to walk away.

Sadly enough, I think that that may have been the most intimate moment of my life. I've seen a lot. Experienced a lot. I've hardened. Become fearful, untrusting. I almost have the ability to turn off my emotion and become cold. Icy. It is these innate drives that I have, these 'isms' as Grant calls them, that I do not recognize that I need awareness of in order to accurately portray a (any) character.

I want to feel that. I want that rush, that thrill, that emotional security. And I don't want to be afraid. I want it to be legitimate, not a game that means nothing to anyone. Because those moments that I had with those people (especially the first) meant nothing to them. And for me, probably because of my experiences, it took a toll upon my heart. I need to learn to let go, to separate from reality. The moment really caused me to feel a sense of wonder and closeness. Almost like a fucking therapy session. Learning so much about myself in so little time.